Krazy Kerry for Regent!

In what must be considered a stunning turn of events, Kerry is running for University of Michigan Regent, or Michigan State University Trustee, or maybe even State Supreme Court Justice! Now, he hasn’t officially announced this run yet, but he is strongly hinting at this convention run by announcing the endorsements of 5 of the Michigan Republican Party Vice Chairs, as well as State Committeeman Dave Agema. Because really, what other reason is there to announce that six people who don’t live in your district are endorsing your candidacy?

Surely it couldn’t be that Kerry couldn’t find anyone whom he actually represents in Congress to endorse him, so he had to find people from outside the 11th to…. Actually, that sounds about right now that we can see it written out…

Rather than find someone who actually has some tie to the district, a State Representative, a county commissioner, Kerry had to go around the State and find five people who no one other than a convention delegate from 2012 would have any knowledge of. Its once again great to see Kerry working hard to keep his job while the government remains shut down!

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Campaign Rather Than Govern

The hits just keep coming from dear Krazy Kerry. In the midst of a government shutdown, with a looming debt ceiling vote, with millions worried that the uncertainty will effect their livelihoods, what does Kerry do? Why, he announces his reelection campaign’s new Chair!

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Why bother doing the job that you were sent to Washington to do, when you could instead spend your time touting the broken promises you made in the last election? Kerry is a consummate campaigner, picking just the right time to remind everyone that they are stuck with him for another year.

The shutdown will take care of itself people; Krazy Kerry is busy demonstrating that while he may only be in Congress on accident, he intends to do everything in his bumbling power to stay there!

On the Backs of our Children and Grandchildren

Oh Kerry… He just cannot seem to help himself, can he?

In a video he posted just this morning, Kerry was discussing how America has a debt problem, and needs bold leadership to avoid defaulting on its debt obligations.

As you can hear, Kerry thinks that America shouldn’t be raising the debt ceiling again, it is a sign of failure by those in Washington. In fact, in this Reason Magazine interview from December of last year, you can see that Kerry states unequivocally that he will not raise the Debt Ceiling.

However, Kerry went back on his word and voted for H.R. 325 this year, the bill to raise the debt ceiling. How are we supposed to trust a man to represent the 11th District when he specfically says “I’m not going to vote to raise the debt because my constituents don’t want me to raise the debt.” If he can’t stand by his promises, what good is Krazy Kerry as a Congressman?

Out of touch and out of date!

Well folks, we decided to do what no one else seems to do: Check out Krazy Kerry’s campaign website. How do we know that no one goes there, you may ask? Why, that would be because not even someone from Kerry’s staff goes on there!

If you were to visit the website (we won’t provide the link for your own safety), you would find that the last campaign update was posted on August 6th, announcing to the world that the reelection website had been launched! But reading the fine print of this announcement sheds some light on the situation: “This website will document Rep. Bentivolio’s efforts and achievements in Congress on an ongoing basis.” With neither efforts nor achievements in Congress to report, it stands to reason they aren’t going to update anything.

Heading over to the endorsements page, we can see some more examples of how out of date this website is. If you really are interested, head over there and take a look! See any glaring oversights?

Did you say “Why, it appears that many people who have endorsed Dave Trott in the Republican primary are still on this list.”? Then congratulations! You officially pay more attention to politics than Krazy Kerry! Mike Bishop, Ronna Romney, David Potts, and more are all listed as endorsers, yet they’ve publicly stated they support his opponent.

That’s the attention to detail we’ve come to expect from Krazy Kerry!

Send Us Your Tips!

We here at The Real Kerry B are proud to announce that we have a brand new feature to help engage with our readers (something that Krazy Kerry wouldn’t be caught dead doing with his constituents): A Tip Line!

Are you a student or someone in the community who has information about the allegations regarding Mr. Bentivolio, the supposedly “creepy” Fowlerville/Notre Dame prep teacher? Email the tip line at: RKBTipLine@yahoo.com

Are you one of the vendors that Krazy Kerry stiffed in his $620,000 bankruptcies? Email the tip line at: RKBTipLine@yahoo.com

Did you sell Krazy Kerry a bulk order of Elmer’s Glue? Email the tip line at: RKBTipLine@yahoo.com

Have you actually seen Kerry in the District (the least likely scenario of all these)? Email the tip line at: RKBTipLine@yahoo.com

If you have any news or notes about Krazy Kerry, let us know! We actually care what his constituents have to say!

Don’t Stick Your Finger in the Light Socket

Krazy Kerry was on the floor of the House last night warning Americans not to “stick their finger in the light socket,” a beautiful metaphor about Obamacare hurting our nation. (See the video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21KczA2fTTA )

Now, normally we would tell you that Kerry shouldn’t be giving advice to anyone, but when it comes to electricity coursing through a person’s body, Krazy Kerry is a bit of an expert. In fact, as you will recall, he underwent electroshock therapy: http://www.mlive.com/news/detroit/index.ssf/2012/11/estranged_relatives_unpaid_deb.html

With Krazy Kerry being so kind as to offer his expertise to the general public, we have collected a few more choice words of advice on things you can do rather than sticking a finger in a light socket. The top 5 are below:

1. You can (of course) sniff glue, but don’t stick your finger in a light socket.

2. Run your business into the ground and stiff all vendors including family, but don’t stick your finger in the light socket.

3. Be a part of a 9/11 truther film where you play a pro-choice doctor advocating for an abortion to a coma victim, but don’t stick your finger in the light socket.

4. Think you’re actually Santa Claus, but don’t stick your finger in the light socket.

5. Try to intimidate students and make them cry, but don’t stick your finger in the light socket.

These are words to live by in Krazy Kerry’s world, and don’t you forget it (though to be fair, electroshock therapy and glue abuse could well make Krazy Kerry forget a few things himself)!

Kerry B: Government Conspiracy Expert

Now folks, its an well established fact that the Federal Emergency Management Administration (FEMA) is not building camps in which to hold people that the federal government considers to be “domestic terrorists.” This conspiracy theory has been a recent favorite of the tinfoil-hat crowd, right up there with “chemtrails.” Now, most people would assume that such an inane idea wouldn’t merit the time of the austere House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform. However, Krazy Kerry isn’t most people. Check out the video of the questioning Kerry had with Mr. Medina of FEMA: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQYYkfkVjNE

So to recap, Kerry asks Mr. Medina if FEMA is is planning for “doomsday events,” “civil unrest,” or “anything like that.” That razor sharp question wasn’t answered quite to the liking of the Krazy Kongressman, and he wanted to make sure that FEMA was not involved in a (and we swear that this is a real, true, honest-to-goodness quote), “Conspiracy to overthrow the people of this country.”

As a treat, we here at TheRealyKerryB have decided to transcribe the line of questioning that came after that video ended, which you can find below:
– – – – – – – –
Congressman Bentivolio: Mr. Medina, I’ve been receiving calls from constituents who are very worried that if our allies “across the pond” can lose control of their Ministry of Magic to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, there is nothing stopping our government from placing him in charge of FEMA Camps.

Mr. Medina: [Stunned Silence]

Congressman Bentivolio: Please let the record show that the witness is refusing to answer the question. Now, Mr. Medina, is it not true that the highest levels of our government may well have been compromised through the combined use of polyjuice potion and the imperius curse?

Mr. Medina: [Stunned Silence]

Congressman Bentivolio: Mr. Medina, are you under the influence of the one true ring? Is it, or is it not true that you rode a nazgul to this very meeting today?!

Mr. Medina: Mr. Congressman, I believe you’re mixing your fantasy novel cannon. And is that a bottle of glue you’re holding?

Congressman Bentivolio: I’ll ask the questions here! Is it true that FEMA is building these camps as game preserves in which the alien known as “Predator” can hunt?
– – – – – – –

Suffice it to say, the line of questioning continued on until the Congressman was finally reassured that the Department of Homeland Security does not utilize an Air Cavalry comprised of wizards on Pegasus-like flying horses to imprison tea partiers; Jeff Goldblum was never called upon to upload a computer virus to a massive alien spaceship; and that Elvis is not working as a gas station attendant in rural Ohio.

Krazy Kerry: Asking the tough questions no one else will (because everyone else is too balanced to do so).